Monday, February 16, 2009

...

In response to all the comments--thank you all very much. They're helping me out... I'm still in somewhat of a funk, but I really appreciate the comments. I'll update when/if anything happens. Should also have some reviews up as soon as TMT decides to post them, as well as (maybe) some short essays on some songs I love. Thanks for sticking with me.


To those following, sorry I've been neglecting the blog as of late. This semester's been rough so far, and I've never felt stuck in a place more transient than this. I'm in a poetry course, and really like the instructor. However, I don't feel like I'm learning anything, and have yet to write a poem I'm proud of. I'm sure I'll be able to scrounge up ten poems for my final portfolio, but I want something that I can feel satisfied with. My biggest problem with all this, of course, is that I don't put enough time into poetry. It's just so daunting, and I never know where to begin.

I guess what I'm getting at is... I don't even really feel like a writer anymore. I used to think I was fairly creative, and a good writer, but now I'm just not so sure. My sister Kaitlyn now seems to be the "writer" of the family, and will likely be remembered for it. That probably sounds very bitter, but I'm actually really glad that she's found and is cultivating something that she loves so much. I just feel that I'm kind of... overshadowed by her now. The only writing I seem to be doing anymore is criticism, analyzing somebody else's creative work. I myself haven't written an entire song (or poem, or story) in a very long time.

Sorry if this is a downer, but I'm just not feeling right lately. I spend a lot of time studying, and a lot more time idling at the keyboard, waiting for I-have-no-idea-what, wasting time and accomplishing nothing. I can't wait until March 2nd, and hate that I feel my future hangs in the balance. I'll receive an email that will determine the rest of my college career, and frankly, I've never been more scared. I don't feel like I was intended to be an English major, and am eager to set out on something new, something secure (ish), something more important than writing extensive words about why you should/shouldn't buy an album.

If you read this, thank you.
-Lukas

8 comments:

ae said...

Lukas, you are an amazing writer. Don't be silly. I seriously shed tears in one of your non fiction stories. I'm not really a crier.
But anyways I love you dearly.
And I know that no matter what occurs March 2nd, it will send you on the path to do great things.

ae said...

sorry if that sounded cheesy. but I was being very sincere

Zach said...

i like you bro.
when are we gonna start dat record label?

Madison Carryl said...

I must say, I've been in your exact position before, and I really understand. I actually just spoke with Junot Diaz tonight, the man who won the Pulitzer for fiction this year. He said to keep reading and not to get discouraged in your work, and also to not worry about the monotony of writing classes, because they can be intimidating. I talked with him about writing blocks and such, and he said "Just read, the writing will come after." That's such terribly obvious advice, but I don't know. He was really inspiring, or maybe I just needed that little "hey, do this, duh" push. Either way, I totally understand what you're going through, and I agree with everything you said about poetry class. Good luck with March 2, whatever that entails! I will see you soon I'm sure. :]

natasha said...

ah i wish you luck with march 2nd!
i was supposed to apply to my major this spring but i got "off track"; if i had applied i would be feeling this same sort of feeling. sometimes i feel like i want to head in a more secure direction than PR/advertising.


ps i'd like to read one of your stories!

Sam C. Mac said...

Hey Lukas. Not that it's particularly comforting to you, but reading your note did help me feel a little better. I think that it helped me realize that so many others (like the guy above me who posted), other writers at least, go through the insane amount of stress that I do, or something similar to it.

I want to be a writer. Period. There's no other real option for me as there's nothing else I've ever really felt as passionate about. But I'm not in school, and I have a hard time applying myself. And when I am trying to focus and apply myself, the writing just won't come.

I've experienced so many of those "waiting for I-have-no-idea-what" moments, and, more importantly, I think a lot of people in our chosen line of interest have too.

So maybe it's best to do what you did, to get those feelings out there in the ether and encourage others (like myself) to do the same; a sort of group-therapy session for writers.

Nah, that sounds stupid, but hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from a bit here. I gave up on trying to write fiction, or produce any writing outside the realm of journalism/criticism long ago, so I think it's very admirable of you to keep at it, especially if your passionate about it.

What keeps me going (at least most of the time, and combined with the 8 Red Bulls I'm on right now) is the old ideal that if you write a lot, you will get better (practice makes perfect and all that jazz); what keeps me doubting is that line from "Ratatouille" where Peter O'Toole's food critic Anton Ego says something to the effect of "even the trash I review will always be of more value than the piece I write deeming it such." The latter keeps me humbled and the former keeps me dedicated.

Hope that helped at least a little.

Mike said...

Hey man, I read this a while ago but never commented on it. First, congrats on finding what you want to do, and I hope you get in. That being said, you're a good writer, especially of non-fiction, and I think what you have to keep in mind sometimes is that for 19 years you've been taught that creativity loses you points, and now that you're trying to write fiction or poetry, you have to break free of that mold. It's a struggle, for sure, and even "real" writers every time they sit down face failure. I don't think it's something you should give up on entirely, though if you're unhappy with the major then by all means change, but think about continuing to write on the side. You're good, or at the very least, you have been in the past and can be, even if you don't feel like it now.

jny said...

Cheer up, chap. You're freaking brilliant. :]